and life goes on

I worked for this day for the past six months..
I thought about it for the past six months..
and now the fate has me moping in bed, twiddling my thumbs..can't be there.
I wish I was a man who could drink to forget.
I know this day will never be the same for me..the outcome would mean a lot less than it would have.
I hate myself for feeling so..I hate the cracks I see in the steely surface.
I wish I could choose to feel the way I want to.
I wish this did'nt mean so much to me
I wish I had learnt to appreciate the middle road
I wish I did'nt need to do this to forget
I wish I found a better way to deal with this
I wish this realization did'nt dawn upon me
I wish ......
....and life goes on

education in the blogosphere

My sister taught me to add links to my blogs 3 hours back. I have been at it since then surfing the blogosphere looking for interesting links for my site.
I now have a blogger from china, a professional photographer, a michelin star chef, a blogger from NYC and a young college student from Iraq all linked to my blog.
I suddenly feel so alive.All those things I read about in newspapers and magazines- the government stiffling the voice of the blogger community in China, the repression of women by regimes of the certain middle eastern countries, Iraq .Till now this was all news which seemed far away and surreal-was'nt a part of my world.
In the past two hours I have read a first hand account of the situation in Iraq both by soldiers serving there as well as the citizens of Iraq, the chinese government's repressive policies on blogs : stuff you will never read about in a newspaper, news magazine or see/hear on TV.It is so doctored!
I feel overwhelmed by the power of Internet.

my battle with weight..just goes on.

I had very good meals today. I had some whole wheat pasta with a home made sauce for lunch, a snack of cold milk and half a green apple , a small bowl of salad(with hardly any dressing), a bowl of carrot soup (with no cheese or cream) and a plain toast for dinner and then I ruined it all by eating a small bar of chocolate.
A called up from Chicago this evening (it was 5 :00 a.m. in Chicago then) and told me about this site called weightwatchers.com. Apparently everybody around is talking about it in the US. I spend an hour or so surfing the site. I loved it. I like the name .."weight- watcher" not "lose your weight" get slim and trim" or "southbeach or some other faddish diet".
I am seriously contemplating going on a diet and exercising regularly."Okay we've heard this one before", I'm serious guys, I really will.
I liked what they said on the website- don't kill yourself if you slip on the diet plan just get right back and burn it off by exercising extra. I guess that's the biggest mistake I make. If I slip once, it is the beginning of a downward spiral for me. And finally I am off my diet, exercise regime whatever.
wish me luck folks..

musings..day 5

I have always wondered how I manage to make friends with people (only for effect for this blog, I usually refer to them as kids) almost a decade younger than me. I have a job that requires me to work a lot with young people. Most of these friendships/acquaintances have originated at work. These are relationships which can't be termed as 'friendship' in the absolute sense of the word. I don't hang out with them over weekends nor do I go out drinking or shopping with them.Though I do invite them over for dinners at home or meet them for coffee at baristas or CCDs.To most of these kids, I am a mentor or guide for their lives. They discuss career options, girlfriends or boyfriends, parent relationships or work problems with me. I am usually the only 'grown up' they have dialogues of these sorts with. I don't know what to call them- friends? - not really there acquaintance? students? - they are definitely more than that.
They usually swear by what I tell them.and I usually don't find this out till much later.
Maybe this is because I treat young people with respect and maturity I think they deserve but do not get from most grown ups they encounter.
Me? I like being with young people.I don't think I would ever trade my grown up friends with them though.
After my marriage I had to grow up overnight to share intellectual space with someone almost 15 years older. Maybe it is the madness of my 20s which I missed, which I seek in the moments I look at life thru the eyes of a 20 year old. the freshness, the freedom of choices in their lives I see makes me feel as if I have lived my life thru the entire spectrum.

jamie olivier

I'm in love.. I lo..ove Jamie Oliver - the michelin star chef with a kind heart. I have been watching his shows for the last month or so on an Indian channel. I think it also has a lot to do with the fact that I love European food unlike A who prefers south east asian or chinese.
So far he has me hooked to polenta and homemade desserts- he made this fabulous citrusy chicken flavoured with sage in his last show and served it over polenta. I was hooked! I told SIL to send me some. I usually try out his recipes within a day or two of watching the show so that I don't forget.
I love his casual, boy next door, 'cooking is so easy' effect.
Cooking is something you can't teach anyone. oh there is a lot of studying a chef has to do but despite all the trainng you can either cook or not cook. A chef who says he/she 'watches what he eats' and is obviously not fond of food or not adventurous is not a real chef. Cooking is a blend of an art and science and one has to be naturally sensitized in order to cook well. more on cooking in the next post...

day 4 is'nt so bad

I watched 4 episodes of everybody loves raymond today.back to back on DVD.I loved watching it once a week .I thought watching 4-5 episodes in one go would be fun ! Seinfield is different. I often watch 6-7 episodes in one go and enjoy it. The other thing which I find timeless is yes minister and yes, prime minister .
I am on to bland food for a while. So far I have had kichree, vegetable stew and couscous, congee and sweet corn soup and rice. Not bad, to avoid monotony, so what if I am down with chicken pox.
I think I will finally finish pitching my tent today. Anita Diamant is jewish and I find it fascinating to read about her regular modern jewish-christian home and how she attempts to blend the values of two religions to teach her daughter. I hardly knew anything about the jews for some strange reason except that synagogues are their places of worship. I also saw a movie called keeping the faith where one of the main characters was a rabbi. That was the first insight(though by no means indepth) I got about the jewish way of life. I find all this very intriguing- might just do a small study on jews once I finish the book. BTW that's not the standard reaction people have to 'pitching my tent'. I have spoken to three people who read the book before I did.

day 3

well day 3 into quarantine was okay. My fever is down, I'm am on the phone with office for a couple of hours everyday and doing an average of 2 movies a day and 4-5 hours of TV time. Reading 'pitching my tent' and finishing it does'nt look so far. not back for sick leave.
I watched crash and transamerica today. Crash is a docu-drama sort of movie talking about racism ,with its deep roots in american society, rearing its ugly head post 9/11 and events that followed. recommended for a serious movie addict only. Transamerica as the name suggests ,deals with the issue of transexuality with all it's complications..the emotional trauma, parents,offsprings whatever. Both were heavy movies. So I got cinderella to pick up a chick flick called cadet kelly?!! for me. The cover itself looks too candy flossish especially after crash and transamerica.
Have'nt spoken to A since he got to the US.somehow our nicest conversations have been over the phone for the past 4-5 years. We suddenly seem to realize the true worth of the significant other. I'm glad he's away. I don't think he would have been able to see me like this... my face looks really bad.I seem to have the greatest concentration of spots on my face.
Mom's around. Sometime I doubt if I will be able to handle her living down the road for the rest of my life(she's buying a place 3-4 kms away, from where I live). I seem to get into the rebel teenager mode with her even now.

chicken pox has struck the author

Okay..so I am down with chicken pox..must have contracted it from A who has just about recovered.I came down with a fever on saturday and by sunday afternoon there wewre these typical chicken poxy thingi all over my torso and face. Face?**!!
So I am quarantined, can't see cleo and S,can't hug my son (he seems puzzled but does'nt seemed to mind much.) can't go to panchgani with mom.. was planning to do that next weekend and may not be available for campuses interviews next week at work!! I don't believe this. THis is the worst posiible time in the whole year to fall sick.
But I am planning to catch up on the movies, read a few books I have always wanted to but could'nt get the time, spend more time with my mom than I have in te past few years and of course BLOG!
s'long!